Videogames Don't Kill People, Videogames Have Sex With Them!

On the heels of the "Hot Coffee" mod for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas in which, it turns out, the player can control the pelvic thrust of a fully-clothed, ninth grade dry hump session, an investigation into Rockstar, the company who produces the game, has been initiated by Congress.

Almost everybody knows the story, but if you don't, Grand Theft Auto is a game where the player can carjack and murder (with a number of objects: cars, lead pipes, chainsaws, the stink eye) anybody from random strangers on the streets to police officers. The game was released in the U.S. with an M (Mature: 17+) rating. But, since it turns out that there is PG-13 style, simulated, virtual, under the shirt-, over the bra-type sex in the game, the rating has been changed to AO (Adults Only--thus getting it removed from major store shelves everywhere, but not from my heart).

Congress's investigation will probably take down Rockstar because their new game, due out just in time for Christmas, is sure to throw out some red flags.

In Womb Raider, you are a man shrunk down and injected into his girlfriend, much like in the 1987 Meg Ryan smash hit Innerspace, except your job is to murder your unborn baby instead of try to make Martin Short seem funny. You just can't have a kid right now; work at Office Depot is much too hectic. Plus, babies are dumb and can't even speak English.

You have a range of weapons at your disposal: the tried and true shotgun, the flamethrower, grenades, a coat hanger, the new "SIDS gun," and much more.

The environment is very open-ended (pun intended!). The player can unlock hidden areas like the anus (where, on a hilarious side note, once you reach it, the character says they should have probably "come here" in the first place), the esophagus (again he says it here and it's still just as, if not even more, hilarious), and Las Vegas!

During its investigation of this game, Congress found nothing objectionable to report up to this point. Rockstar was in the clear. That is, until they came across a series of videos when it flashes back to the how the baby was made. It shows the man chasing the woman, then, in a Scooby Doo-esque twist, the woman chasing the man, and, finally, the conception of the child. The representative watching the video was visibly shaken and had to be taken out on a gurney.

Below you'll see exactly what it was that sent this man into a tizzy--an actual tizzy. One hasn't been reported since the turn of the Twentieth Century when a woman saw her husband fall off of his bicycle with a giant front wheel, but that record stands no longer.

Warning: These images are graphic. Don't say you haven't been warned.























Needless to say, the graphic depiction of familial relations is more than anybody over sixteen years old could possibly handle. Killing unborn babies with a rusty boxcutter is one thing, but bumping virtual uglies? Heinous. It's unbelievable that Rockstar thought that they could put this in the final version of the game (not even hiding it well like they did with "Hot Coffee") and not have people up in arms.

I, for one, am glad that Congress has been devoting so much time to protecting the youth of America from dangers such as videogames and baseball players with too many muscles, because I wasn't ready to bring a child of my own into this world with things in such disarray. Now, however, I can get married, have a baby, and take my family on a vacation to Iraq like I've always wanted since, apparently, things are all better over there.

Rockstar, in order to appease Congress and have their game released with only an M rating, has decided to cut the sex scene and change the baby into a mentally handicapped one, thus, no doubt earning the approval of Congress and George W. Bush. Because we all know how much he loves to kill him some retards.

Liberty and Freedom On the Outs!

In news that is sure to send shockwaves through the present American political system, Liberty and Freedom have separated.

The two recently made news in President Bush's Inaugural speech in which he referenced the two over forty times combined. Rumor has it, though, that Liberty was upset because Freedom was having an affair with Justice.

That is just speculation, however, and as recently as yesterday Freedom and Liberty were seen together once again when Condoleeza Rice managed to use each of them twice in the same sentence.

"I can't think of a better call than to say that America will stand for freedom and for liberty, that America will stand with those who want their aspirations met for liberty and freedom."

A spokesman for the two said that they will attempt to maintain their working relationship as President Bush had already made an appointment for them to appear in Iraq on the 30th. However, skeptics like Un (who rose to fame as the prefix) feel that this won't happen.

"It's highly unlikely that the elections are going to go smoothly. The people over there are crazy and uncivilized," he said, taking a drag from his Virginia Slim cigarette. "That'll be eighty dollars. Forty per un."

Not since the split of "Trickle-down" and "Economics" in the 80s has a separation had such an impact on the World. But, as we all know, Trickle-down remarried and became Trickle-down-Zeta-Jones-Douglas and President Bush had Economics murdered in front of the country at his first Inauguration in 2001.


Freedom and Liberty in happier times.

Nice Hairstyle, Nice!

I wonder if a Back to the Beach quote is too obscure of a way to title this article so that it has any relevance to the material I'm talking about.

Oh well.

Christian Slater, seen here where it was apparently really smoky outside, was attacked by a guy with a knife outside of the "hit play" in which he was performing. Luckily, though, Slater beat the attacker off with his autographed Hasoi skateboard that he got on the set of Gleaming the Cube. There is a lot of speculation about why the man tried to attack him.

Some believe it was because Pump Up the Volume was not meant to be turned into a stageplay and something had to be done to stop it.

Still others felt that Slater should be stabbed just on principle for making the movie Kuffs.

However, I think that the attacker, blind since birth, firmly believed he was stabbing Jack Nicholson only younger and less Witches of Eastwick-y.

Slater can be seen in the upcoming movie Alone in the Dark with Tara Reid. So you know that's going to be good. At least his career is on the rise. IMDB says that he has another movie, a Three Musketeers remake, in the works starring him, Wilford Brimley, and Corky from Life Goes On.


Sorry. I know the Photoshop job is bad, but I wasn't going to devote too much time to it.

It's Official! I Hate The World!

Over the weekend, Ice Cube's hilarious new romp, Are We There Yet?, shot to number 1 proving just how much millions of people in the United States need to be beaten with a pillowcase full of bowling pins.

This means that there are people that see the commercials for this movie and think, Yes. Yes! That is going to be hilarious! Ice Cube having to take care of a bunch of precocious kids? Where do I sign?

Oh, dear God. I just went to the website to try to find a picture for this article and even the website is comedy gold. Those crazy kids. Poor former gangster rapper.

The only thing that would make this type of movie better is if somebody like Vin Diesel was in a movie like...what? He is? Oh joy of joys! And it has an even better title than Are We There Yet?

That's right. Vin Diesel is The Pacifier. I mean, just look at the picture. Doesn't that seem so funny? It's this big guy and he has to take care of kids. Everybody knows that men don't take care of children. That's what women and foster homes are for.

Oh, Hollywood. If you were a woman, I'd make sweet, dirty love to you until you got up and left halfway through because I told you I could only pay in Chuck E. Cheese tokens.

"Jane Roe" Sues Uterus

In a stunning turn of events, Norma McCorvey, once known as "Jane Roe" in the landmark Roe Versus Wade abortion case and in the less renowned Roe Versus Predator action film, has decided, 32 years later, that she wants people to do as she says, not as she does.

The issue resurfaced when a 5th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge and MENSA scholar, Edith H. Jones, found that "new medical evidence may well show undue harm to a mother and her fetus."

Apparently it's news to McCorvey and this judge that an abortion actually kills the fetus. They had both been under the assumption that abortion was a German word meaning "baby shrinker."

Because of the new interest in the 32-year-old case, even older laws are looking to get in on the publicity. Thanks to having Bush in the White House and a Republican House and Senate, prohibition may see its way back into the books, women's suffrage will go the way of the abortion, and bicycles with giant wheels will be all the rage.

And, if Bush gets his way, the entire starting lineup of the Miami Heat will be working for the White House for free, forever.

"Shaquille O'Neal? I don't like that name. Your new name will be...Toby."

Bush Sworn In As "New Jesus"

Washington DC
Today, while being sworn in by a man who looked like the guy in the room with the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, re-elected President George W. Bush yelled excitedly to wife, Laura, "You know, Sweetheart, I asked God last night, and he said that this means I'm Jesus Part Two. That makes me like the old Jesus, but better. Kind of like how X-2 was way better than X-Men 1. That's me. I'm the new X-Men." He then giggled and used his hands like Wolverine's claws until Chief Justice William "Wild Bill" Rehnquist slapped him across the face.

In his speech, President Bush went on to speak vaguely about how liberty is doing something in a positive motion somewhere in the world. He talked like this a lot. It was like a template that he found on Microsoft Word that was specifically geared toward Inaugural speeches.

"America will not pretend that...women welcome humiliation...or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies," Bush said. This was followed by a Girls Gone Wild commercial and then Sean Hannity yelling at Democrats to quit whining because they lost.

As you can see in the picture on the left, Bush read his speech from a folder which contained various notes and index cards. I've managed to find what the cover of this folder looks like. There's a rumor that at one of the Balls tonight, Bush is going to enter riding in the original General Lee.

Needless to say, these next four years look like they're going to be just as awesome as the previous four. I heard that they're starting a program where for every one hundred people you recruit to go fight in the Iraq war, you can win a free XBox. It's like selling Girl Scout Cookies but instead of making people fat, you're making them dead. Count me in. I'm going to try to win the family four pack to Disneyworld.

On a side note, I just heard Bill O'Reilly say, "I'll tell you what's going on in these big balls." I promise you that's almost a direct quote from one of those phone sex tapes that the woman suing him had.